


What it's Like

by orphan_account



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-28
Updated: 2018-05-28
Packaged: 2019-05-14 18:27:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,014
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14774886
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: It's that feeling you get when you have exactness of your emotions, but no root cause.





	What it's Like

**Author's Note:**

> **tw** suicide (attempt), inaccurate depictions of depression

[-] "Jisung? Jisung. Wake up. _Wake up!_ Jisung-- please-- _please_ \--"

The world moves around Changbin; the world moves around Changbin _and_  Jisung, because even this, even Jisung crying, and leaving him, doesn't stop the world's turning. If it weren't for Chan grounding him in reality, Changbin thinks his world may have stopped already. He thinks he would have shut down, because he can't think. He can't think like this-- when Jisung is so unresponsive in his arms, so vulnerable, yet so far gone that nothing can hurt him anymore.

"He's not gone. Stop that-- Changbin, _shut up_." Chan cuts into his thought-- shakes his shoulder and gets Changbin to focus on him, "Look at me. _Look at me_. The ambulance is on the way, okay? _Okay?_ Come on, let's get him out front. Come on, Changbin. Get up, or give him to me. Get up. Get him up. Come on-- come _on_."

It takes a full two minutes to get Changbin downstairs, but Chan doesn't rush _too much_ because there's nothing they can do until the ambulance arrives, anyway. Changbin and Chan are outside seconds before the ambulance comes-- and, in a haze, Jisung is taken from Changbin. Changbin cries, and goes for him. Chan holds him back, and tells him to get in the car; they'll drive to the hospital, and see that Jisung makes it-- see _if_  Jisung makes it. (Chan doesn't say _if_ , Changbin thinks. He has enough wit about him in the car that he remembers Chan wouldn't say if. Chan didn't give up hope like that; Chan didn't jump to conclusions like that; Chan always fought, and always knew better. Changbin wishes he could be like Chan; he wishes he could focus enough to drive; he wishes his thoughts didn't take up so much of his time that he didn't even register the drive to the hospital.)

"Sit. Changbin, sit down. Breathe, okay? I'll ask about Jisung-- _sit down_."

Changbin isn't even aware of what he's going anymore. He knows he's sitting know--but whatever he did to make Chan impatient, he had no idea. He knows stress must be pulling at Chan's patience levels, as well, except Changbin must have done something. He's not listening--that must be it. He's not aware. Chan had to lead him inside, maybe. He isn't sure how he got here. He's in a daze. He's worried about Jisung. Chan is sitting next to him, and he's talking, and Changbin has no idea what's going on.

 

[+] "It'll be okay. It'll be _fine_."

"You don't get it," Jisung muttered softly, rubbing at his eyes with angry fists. Changbin didn't know what to do. He told Jisung, "Let me see," and Jisung tilted his head. The bruise wasn't horrible--actually, Changbin thought someone may have simply slapped Jisung, not hit him. He inquired, "What happened? Did someone hit you?"

"My mom did," Jisung pouted softly. A heavy sigh rolled off of his shoulders, and he rubbed the bruised area on his cheek. The remnants of his tears melted away from his skin. Changbin caught the tears that dripped, holding Jisung's face by the jaw. He tilted his face this way and that-- until Jisung was laughing, and swatting him away, "Stop. Stop-- it's fine. You're right, it'll be fine."

"Are you okay?" Changbin asked. He skipped over the part where he asked _why did your mom hit you?_  He didn't even wonder about it, so taken by Jisung's smile. It fell out of his head; it fell out of his focus. He didn't even _ask_.

 

[-] "I didn't care enough." Changbin says. He feels the tears on his cheeks, but he can't process wiping them away, or caring that they're exposed to public air. He's so shocked, "I didn't talk to him. I didn't--"

"Stop," Chan says. He takes Changbin's hand, and holds it, "So what if you didn't do that stuff? You can fix it. He's alive, Changbin, he's fine.

He's alive, but Chan isn't sure. Or is he? Is he? If Jisung's alive, why are they sitting here? He's not alive--or he's on the cusp, or he's fighting for life, but if there wasn't enough fight in him to avoid swallowing a bottle of pills, why would there be enough fight in him _now_  to live? Changbin should have said something sweet to him-- should have rattled off the "You're so important to me," the "You can't leave me," the "I can save you," instead of the "Wake up. Wake up. Wake up,"

 

[+] " _Wake up!_ It's time for _vacation_ , Changbin! Vacation! Japan! Tokyo! Osaka! Come on, come on--"

Jisung was like a child on Christmas morning, bouncing in Changbin's lap and urging him to wake, to come, to hurry. Changbin's fingers groped for Jisung-- landing at first on his thighs, and then his hips, and he used as much strength as he could muster in the morning to halt Jisung's actions. Jisung could have easily broken his grip if he wasn't so compliant to Changbin; so he stopped his moving and he leaned in to Changbin and he said, "Let's go, hyung."

Jisung was _close_. Changbin opened his eyes, and he was _too_  close. He shoved Jisung away in his panic-- from beating heart to unsteady voice, " _Stop_ \-- I can't handle you this close to me in the morning."

"Why? Because I'm too pretty?" Jisung asked, with a flutter of his eyelashes and gently palms against his own cheeks. _Yes_ , Changbin thought, but he didn't say it, because he didn't admit to his feelings like that. Instead, he told Jisung, "The opposite."

Was Changbin filling in the small falter of Jisung's smile as a response to his blame, or had it really happened?

 

[-] "I think he just wanted to be told he was pretty, or something. He wanted to be loved. He--"

"Of course he _wants_  to be loved-- everyone does. Changbin--" Chan sighs, and turns to Changbin-- holds him by the shoulders and looks at him with a tilted head, his eyes practically glaring up at Changbin, "Stop talking about him like he's gone. He's not. He's here. He's with us. We'll see him in a minute-- or two-- or an hour-- or two-- but we're _going to see him again_."

"Even if he's not dead, though," Changbin gulped softly, "How do we know he's-- not-- gone?"

 

[+] "What does it mean to be _gone_ , hyung? Do you think _gone_  only means death?" Jisung asked. Changbin looked at him with a frown, though he couldn't see him through the dark. He felt for Jisung-- groped through his sheets to find him in the dark. It wasn't impossible to find him, despite the length of Jisung's bed. He had a general direction, and he found him in no time. Jisung made a startled noise, and laughed, "Hyung! You scared me!"

" _You're_  scaring me." Changbin said. He pulled Jisung-- and pushed himself toward Jisung, and they met in the middle. Jisung ended up falling against Changbin-- not quite gracefully, but comfortably. Changbin asked, "Why are you thinking about being gone?"

Changbin wished the lights had been on so he could see Jisung's expression through the few moments of silence that came before Jisung started to explain that it was a class discussion. He wondered if his mind was making up the grip of Jisung's fingers against his shirt, and the way Jisung's shoulder tensed; he wondered if the actions was real, or an imaginary side effect in light of Jisung's suicide attempt.

 

[-] "He--"

"I swear, Changbin, if you say one more thing about Jisung being dead, you will be, too." Chan says. Changbin goes silent, but he can't help thinking-- too? _Too?_  Chan can't know anything definitively, right? He hasn't gone to check on Jisung. No one's come by to tell them anything. He doesn't know anything. He doesn't--

Chan pulls Changbin, and holds him. His tears drip against Changbin's hair, "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry--" and he's sobbing, and Changbin thinks _it's okay_ , but he can't say it. Chan's arm it covering his mouth, and his voice is starting to fail him. Changbin does bring his hands up, though, to hold Chan's arm. Chan and Changbin are holding each other, and it's all they can do for now.

 

[+] "You've done all you can, hyung, you can't be so sad." Jisung said. His attempts at consoling Changbin were sweet; he stroked his hair and offered him a million different things that they could order and have delivered. Changbin rejected every single one, so Jisung reverted to talking-- to simply stroking Changbin's hair, and talking. Changbin did feel better, at the touch from Jisung. He always felt better, with Jisung.

"I know. And I can always try again. I can always keep fighting--Chan-hyung's been telling me the same thing." Changbin said. He sighed, and looked at Jisung, "Am I pathetic? I know it's just one school, but-- it's my dream school. I could go there and write music, and I can rap, and I can learn to sing, and I can still study literature-- no other school is that good. Not one."

"I'm sure there's one, you just haven't found it." Jisung said, "Besides, that one is far away. Don't you want to say with me, hyung?"

There's a tone to Jisung's voice that Changbin hadn't noticed in the moment, and he was starting to doubt if all these little things were made up-- if the sad and quieting tone to Jisung's voice didn't actually exist. He hated himself, remembering what he said next, "I just want to go to a good college, Jisung. Chase my dreams--"

He didn't even mean it. He did, but he didn't; he wanted to stay close, as bad as he wanted to study. He was going to find a way to bring Jisung with him, if he made it to college-- or to leave him with Chan, who he knew would stick with him no matter what. Changbin would never just leave Jisung _alone_. If he went far, he would make sure Chan and Jisung stayed close; and he would make sure to return to them both one day.

 

[-] "Are you here for Jisung?"

Changbin hears so many things-- including family visits and suicide watch and _what's wrong?_  and Chan says something and Changbin can't help it. At the end of it all, Changbin only wonders, "Can we see him?" and the doctor says something about _he's sleeping_ , but Changbin doesn't _care_  and Chan has to take over again because Changbin's tone is rude, or something along those lines, and then the doctor is gone and Changbin looks at Chan, "Can we see him? I want to see him. I need--"

"Tomorrow. He said tomorrow." Chan says. Changbin looks at him, with his mouth open. "Screw tomorrow! He's--"

"He's resting and that's what he needs. He doesn't need us right now."

"Hyung-- _what?_  He _does_  need us, though!"

"We're not going to be able to magically pick him up and make him better, Changbin. He attempted _suicide_. It's going to take his energy and positivity as well as ours-- and he needs to rest to gain any of that back, and _we_  need to rest to give him any of ours. Let's go home-- I'll take you home, okay? You can stay with me tonight--as long as you want."

Changbin knows Chan is right, but he doesn't like it. Chan seems to understand--of course, because Chan is, and always has been, understanding. Changbin is taken home by Chan-- tucked into bed with Chan, a pillow between them that they both hold onto until Changbin decides he doesn't like this. He's anxious and he wants someone to hold-- and it's a little awkward because he doesn't hold Chan like this; he holds _Jisung_  like this, but Chan is his best friend, too, and the awkwardness wears away as they both begin to feel comforted by each other.

 

[+] "You're the best, hyung." Jisung said, smiling up at Changbin, "Have I told you?"

"I know it already." Changbin said, laughing. Jisung leaned into him-- so much that Changbin had to tilt his head up so Jisung had room against his neck. Jisung had his arms tucked between him and Changbin-- hie elbows bent, his arms flush against Changbin's chest. He was close enough to kiss Changbin, and it seemed like he might be stretching to do so, except he wasn't because he turned his head and he leaned against Changbin and when Changbin tilted his head down, his chin rest comfortably against the top of Jisung's head.

"I love you." Jisung muttered, and it was so small that Changbin almost couldn't hear it. Changbin told him, though, "I love you," and he didn't say _too_  in case Jisung didn't want him to hear. It was quiet after that, but it didn't matter.

Changbin thought that may have been the only thing he'd done right these past couple months, or years, or however long Jisung had been struggling--but it was too late, wasn't it? That was two weeks ago. It was too late. Jisung's smile was fake and his voice was distant and Changbin knew he couldn't be making it up. Jisung was gone long before he tried to _be_  gone.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jisung isn't okay. Changbin isn't okay. Chan isn't okay, either.

Chan isn't sure what to do. He holds Changbin against his chest and he's at a total loss. He can't believe this is happening; he can't sleep through his worry, and anxiety. Changbin is sleeping-- finally, at three o'clock, Chan has him settled down. Four hours of worrying over Jisung is going to make him sleep until noon--or, it'll do the opposite, and wake him within the hour. Chan hopes it's the former. Changbin is clearly destroyed over Jisung's choice.

Choice. Chan is thinking about this a lot-- has been for a while. Was it a choice? _Did_  Jisung have a choice? Chan is well-versed with depression-- has experienced it mildly and knows the weight of the feeling. Is it Jisung's _choice_ , to go through this? Of course not. So, is it his _choice_  to end it?

Chan is, and has been, bothered by people's reaction to situations like this. It was never someone's choice to struggle, and hardly anyone thinks that, but why is it up to them, how they end it? How could it be? If they didn't create the situation, how can they be expected to choose how it comes to a halt? No, no-- with a situation so heavy that _suicide_ is a plausible option, no one can be expected to _choose_  an end. They were pushed toward a specific one, and steered the people around them were good-- or bad-- enough.

Chan tries to think that he and Changbin are simple on the sidelines; because he _knows_  they aren't good enough to help Jisung, but he hopes they aren't haven't been bad enough to destroy him, either. He hopes, now, that he and Changbin can be those good people that can steer Jisung to a good end-- the kind where they all escape whatever torment holds them. Chan isn't prepared to talk to Jisung, and he's grateful for this night of thought. He can thinking about how he's going to approach the situation-- how he's going to talk to Jisung about it, and how he's going to keep Changbin calm through all of it. He doesn't think he can, but he knows it's impossible for him to be unable. He _has_  to. Jisung is too important to risk losing. He deserves so much--so much more than to have his life end in pain.

Chan thinks until morning, and he has nothing except for a list of questions. It's all he can do, though; and talking comes easy to him, sometimes. He takes Changbin to the hospital, and they request to see Jisung. They stand outside of Jisung's room for a long time. Changbin is desperate to go in-- to see Jisung-- but Chan can't stop staring at him through the small window. He holds Changbin by the shoulders and just _stares_. Jisung looks so tired, yet he's busy. He has a book open and he has a pencil, and he's tracing some words like he'd study for his upcoming literature exam. He looks so-- _normal_ , and that's what's terrifying. He looks like nothing's wrong and like nothing has changed, except he's in a _hospital_. Chan hates that fact that, if it weren't for Jisung's being here, he wouldn't look a bit as if he'd attempted to kill himself within the preceding twelve hours.

Changbin is begging and whining and he slips from Chan's grip, and Chan has no choice but to follow him in. Jisung smiles, and laughs as Changbin falls into his arms, and Chan genuinely can't believe it. How is he smiling? How is he _happy?_  Was it fake? All this time, has he been faking happiness?

"Chan-hyung," Jisung says softly. Chan looks up, and Jisung is holding an arm out for him. Chan walks toward him slowly, and all three of them are hugging in a group. Chan has his arms around Jisung and Changbin, and his chest is against Changbin's back, and his chin barely grazes Jisung's shoulder. It's silent, except Changbin is crying softly, but his tears are silent, too. It's too silent. There's tension. No one knows what to say, though Jisung has an idea, and tries to execute it, "I'm sorry--"

His words spark a reaction out of Chan and Changbin both.

"Why did you do it?"

"What _happened?_ "

Jisung blinks at them, and then he sighs. There's a shake about his head, but he's not trying to avoid the question. Maybe. He's thinking. He's tapping his fingers and he's not sure what to say again.

"If it's depression, Jisung, I know how to help you." _Maybe, because depression is different for everyone_ , but Chan leaves that part out, because he can figure it out. He sits down next to Jisung, and gestures for Changbin to come, too; and Changbin sits on his lap, and Chan continues to talk to Jisung, "Are you depressed?"

"Maybe. I don't--" Jisung rubs his eyes, "I don't _know_."

"What is it? I can't help you-- neither of us can-- unless we _know_...." Chan trails off, and realizes something, "And we might not be able to help even then."

Jisung looks up, and he's crying. He worrying his teeth around the corner of his bottom lip, and he's looking at Chan and Changbin. His eyes are flitting between the two, and away from the two. He's shaking. It's the most real emotion Chan has seen in Jisung-- in a long time, or in forever. Chan reaches for him. Changbin does, too. Jisung holds one of their hands each-- only for a moment, and then he curls in against himself again.

"It's a lot." Jisung says, "It's--I can't--I _should_  be happy, but...."

"No one's required to be happy, Jisung," Chan says, and the words weight Jisung's shoulders. He hangs his head, and cries. Changbin offers both of his hands, and cradles Jisung as he cries. Chan watches them, and tried to figure it out. _I should be happy, but-- I'm not_ \-- it reminded Chan of how he felt, and he remembers what he thought at the start-- or the peak of severity-- of his depression. He remembers being so frustrated at the way he felt, and desperately wanting to take the feelings away. He remembers how much help he sought, and how difficult it was to find. If it wasn't for his sister's return, and her overseas knowledge and practice of psychology, Chan thinks he very well may be in Jisung's spot--perhaps farther severe. Perhaps he would be gone, and gone again.

"I'm sorry," Jisung repeats again. He shouldn't be, but-- "You're the only... good I have, really. Everything else-- it's everything else-- but it's _nothing_ , because I can't blame anyone or anything except for myself."

"It's not your fault, Jisung. Stop that," Chan says. Changbin agrees, and strokes his thumbs over Jisung's cheeks. Jisung looks between them both, and his eyes are wet. They're frustrated. _He's_  frustrated, and Chan is almost relieved to see the emotion. It makes him feel better, to see an expression on Jisung's face where his happiness has been faked for so long.

"Can you help me?" Jisung asks softly, looking between Chan and Changbin. There's a whimper about his voice; he sounds so weak, "I know it's a lot to ask, but I need-- I don't-- I don't know what to do, so I can't do it by myself--"

"We can help you. _Of course_  we can help you," Changbin says, and he leans forward and kissed Jisung's forehead, and his nose. Jisung looks at Chan, and Chan nods, "We're here for you;" and a spark of a smile lifts Jisung's mouth, and Chan thinks they'll all be okay, this time.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chan is asleep. He's stomach-down on the bed, with his laptop on the edge-- not teetering, luckily, but close enough. Jisung is newly home with Changbin, but Changbin is asleep on the couch. The two promised to pass out together when they got home, but Jisung can't sleep. He's had a hard time with it, lately.

He muses at Chan for a moment before decided to make a move-- pushing Chan's laptop a little closer to the middle of he bed before he starts to wake the elder. He strokes his fingers through Chan's hair, and asks, "Chan? Chan-hyung?"

"Hmm?" Chan starts, and then he's up all at once, and he's looking at Jisung with wide eyes, "Jisung? What's wrong? What is it?"

Chan's hand is reaching for Jisung's, and Jisung lays his there. He smiles softly-- it's sweet, the way Chan worries, but so toxic, the way he panics. Jisung never wanted to put that sort of stress on Chan, or Changbin, or anyone. He slips into bed with Chan, saying, "You don't have to treat me like glass, you know. I'm okay."

"You will be." Chan said, smiling softly, and stroking Jisung's hair with the same tenderness. Jisung feels protected, because Chan's arm is crossing over his chest, and he's leaning against Jisung, and his fingers are so gentle across Jisung's scalp. Chan breaks the soft moment with a gasp of, "Oh!" and a move too sudden. He bumps Jisung's nose, and apologizes when his laptop is close; he leans down, and "I'm sorry, baby," and his lips touch Jisung's nose and Jisung's heart jumps at the affection. Chan moves on right away, busy, and concentrated, but still informative, "I found a doctor that could help you, and likely prescribe you medicine if he feels it necessary. He's a little far out but he's _fantastic_  with patients-- he's had some experience overseas-- he actually worked in-- what it is-- Seattle?-- for a few years."

"Thank you." Jisung says softly. He tilts his head back, and smiles, and Chan smiles back, "Anything for you, Jisung."

Jisung returns the kiss--except this one is soft, and touches Chan's lips very briefly. Jisung isn't sure what to make of the action, and Chan doesn't seem to know how to process it, either. It was a ghost of a kiss and Jisung is able to skip right over it, with a little wiggle of his body to get Chan to let him go, and a mention of, "I should go back to Changbin-hyung," and he's gone, and Chan doesn't call after him, or chase after him, so he escapes the situation, for now.

 

(He wakes up in Chan's bed. He's still with Changbin. He wakes up because Chan ghosts a kiss over his lips. Jisung opens his eyes, and looks at Chan; and Chan is smiling, and he's telling Jisung, "Let's go for a walk, okay? Exercise helps keep your happiness balanced--" and he kisses Changbin's cheeks awake, too, with the same little speech--and Jisung knows they don't have to talk about this.)


End file.
